"Your bedtime consistency is so chaotic, your circadian rhythm filed for divorce. One night you're in bed at 10pm like a responsible adult, the next you're doom-scrolling until 2am like you're being paid for it."

"A 12-day green streak? That's cute. Most people call that 'two weeks.' You celebrate like you climbed Everest. Meanwhile, your strain score suggests the most strenuous thing you did was aggressively refresh your recovery score."